Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
