I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
