Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize