some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
