i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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