I wish my penis had an off switch
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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