I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
