I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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