At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
