bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Shitshow foam night was such a success
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize