I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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