All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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