I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
