I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
