Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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