so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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