I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
