apparently the secret to your success is patron
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
why is half of my head shaved?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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