This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You made out with two different species that night
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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