Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
