My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
