i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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