I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
