ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize