Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
