I wish I could punch you in the face.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
