He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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