I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Operation Purity has been aborted
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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