True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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