My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
