i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
