I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
