Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
