His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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