If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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