My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the raccoons are back...
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