im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just had sex on a roof
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
