I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
