Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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