just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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