Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
