Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
