Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I want a musical about memes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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