The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
