just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
