dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize