i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
