The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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