I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
