If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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