don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
