how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
