Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Randomize
