totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
