Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
