The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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