grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
