Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
