I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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