watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
