you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
