I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
