Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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