Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
