so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
