so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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